After the traumatic experience I had birthing my daughter, I was not really sure I would ever bond with my daughter. I thought I would magically bond with her and we would be blissfully happy evermore. Well the reality is that I do love my daughter, but I am really struggling with believing she loves me. I know that she needs me. I even think she likes me. My problem tends to start because I think that she would like anyone who fed her, played with her, and wiped her bum. I don’t think she actually prefers me over anyone else she knows. She is not one of those babies that cries the moment she leaves my arms. She doesn’t even really seem to notice as long as someone is holding her. Sophia’s first smile was not at me, it was at my mom. The same goes with holding her arms out to be held, she never does this for me to hold her. If I’m holding her she will hold her arms out to go to someone else. I feel pretty justified in thinking that my daughter could really care less who takes care of her as long as someone does.
My husband says this is really just my personality. That is probably at least partially right. I am the type of person who just assumes people don’t like me. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t like me, I do(I like me a lot I won’t bore you will all my great quality’s but there really are a lot of them.). I have just never been one to make friends easy. I think part of the problem is I am mainly indifferent toward large quantities of the population. It is a rare thing for me to actually like someone genuinely (I am great at pretending to like people. I consider this a good quality.) and want to be their friend. The people I like, I really like and I tend to be a very loyal friend. I just don’t seem to make that many friends. I’m lucky I found a man I liked. I never actually thought I would get married since I hadn’t met a man I thought I could stand for very long. Well I got lucky with my husband and I thought somehow that it would be the same with my daughter. Here we are 4 and half months later and I’m still struggling to believe that my daughter loves me (I keep hearing it will come, she is to little blah, blah, blah. I have to say this sounds like a bunch of crap to me. She is not to little she seems to bond with everyone else.).
The only consolation I really have is that at this point in time I have the happiest baby I have ever met. The doctor is very impressed she is meeting all her mile stones at age level without them having to be adjusted for her being almost a month early. So I guess all in all I don’t really have anything to complain about if she doesn’t love I guess that’s alright as long as she’s happy then she’s got the best I can give her and that’s my goal. But, I can’t wait until the day I look into her face and feel that she is really truly mine; and that she loves me and knows just how much I love her. I hope that day is not too far off.
As cliche as it sounds, it will happen...just hit you one day! Derrick is now almost 15 months and when he sees my mom he ditches me in a heartbeat! But if I leave him at her house, then come back he gets the biggest smile when I walk back in (but then runs to my mom becuase he knows I am going to be evil mommy and take him home!).
ReplyDeleteMy biggest reward is when he is sick, all he wants is to be held by me...not daddy, not grandma, but mommy! So I guess I do have a special place in his heart somewhere...even if it is just as a target to throw up on ;-)
And I am fully preparing myself that when he hits 2 and 3 to be totally ditched as daddy will be home (for good) and he loves being outside, in the garage or getting dirty...so hanging out with boring mommy will be out of the question ;-)
I have a friend that says it hits her about 8-9 months when her kids seem to go through a clingy phase, that they really love her. Before that she could leave them with a sitter and they wouldn't seem to care one way or the other. Before this phase they think you are leaving every time they can't see or hear you, because they are only aware of what is directly in their observation (hence why peek-a-boo is fun) but when they understand that going out the front door means really leaving not just in the other room, it changes and they care that you are gone and cry for you. At least that's what she said and I figure with 4 kids her insight might be valuable.
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